hausu ハウス [movie]

Kunfu wins the prize for understatement of the year.
Okashii is not the word for it woman. It is not the word.

Let me start off by saying, this movie is not Japanese weird – it is 70’s weird. It was made in 1977 by Obayashi Nobuhiko; a potentially career ending Toho production that no-one wanted, it has become a cult 70’s horror and should be more linked with the decade rather than its country of origin.

Cast:

Ikegami Kimiko –   オシャレ「Oshare」

Jinbo Miki –   クンフー 「KunFu」

Oba Kumiko –    ファンタ「Fanta」

Matsubara Ai – 　カリ「Kari」

Sato Meiko –   マック「Makku」

Tanaka Erico –   メロヂイー「Merodii」

Miyako Masayo –   スウィート「Suiito」

Ozaki Kiyohiko – Mr Togo

Sasazawa Saho – Angel’s father

Kobayashi Asei – the watermelon man

Wanibuchi Haruko – Ryoko (Angel’s stepmother)

Minamida Yoko – Auntie

I took a few notes while watching this movie – it was obviously going to be incoherent at best. I was requested to review this so I had to try and follow what the hell was going on.

From the opening titles you know it is going to be one of those. If only there was a word for it. To start off with, the girls f*ck about in school for ages and all of that could’ve been cut out as its completely unimportant b*llocks.

There are colour filters and bad super impositional shots being thrown in like they were going cheap at the market last Thursday, completely inappropriate music and bad editing cuts that make you feel sea sick, elementary school theatre set style backdrops that make you think you will see a clumsy stage hand fall into view any second - i almost thought i was watching Garth Marenghi's Dark Place, - then what do we have? Cue Stage left: Windy scarf woman.

Man, I’d be so p*ssed if I was followed around by constant wind like it was my f*cking pet or something. She is a walking perfume advert. We meet Oshare’s father and see her get introduced to her new stepmother – whom she does not take a shine to (lets face it the woman is shiny enough on her on), Oshare storms off to her bedroom – which has the biggest fat ass giant roses on the wall paper I have ever seen in my life – and sulks for a bit. She decides to f*ck off (stupidly long story short) with her mates to her auntie’s house for summer break or spring break or whatever the f*ck it was. I got lost right at the start.

Ok, so they get the magical mystery train into severe drug psychosis world and we see a silent film of her family as the girls all look at photos she must have brought along – I guess – it sort of happened out of nowhere.

This is them on the train would you believe. Where is the train I hear you ask? Never mind that, that blue-greeny swirly sh*t is the scenery outside the window! If they are travelling through dimensions as it appears, who needs a f*cking physical train? They have the power of 70’s special effects to warp them there.

Right, so, we have been introduced to the brady bunch now, complete with bell bottom trousers and more entirely inappropriate music for a horror film, and we’ve also met the weirdo watermelon man on the way to the mammoth house on a blue & yellow purple LSD hill.

They meet the auntie in a wheelchair, weird sh*t happens with the chandelier and a lizard – don’t ask. They bugger about the house for a while then things go nuts. Ready for a run down? 

Fanta finds Makku’s head in the well, fireballs and leaping logs attack Kunfu and she loses her skirt, Oshare’s cat starts joining in on the awful movie soundtrack, Suiito loses a pillow fight with about 1500 futons and ends up mangled up in the mechanism of a clock, Oshare is now sort of possessed after putting on some makeup so she leaves the others  trapped inside the house to go wander around in the dry ice fog outside and juggle blue balls of light for no reason, and I’ve completely lost track of who is where and on what plane of existence. But all I can notice now anyway is Kunfu in her pants because she still hasn’t put her threads back on since the log fight.

It seriously looks like Scooby doo without the f*cktard dogs by this point, and I’m still waiting for Merodii to get eaten by the piano (I had read about that bit) getting ever more dizzy from the ‘interesting’ camera work and editing. Yup, and then as I am rubbing my weary eyes, the piano goes crackers and eats her. She laughs then screams then laughs some more. This dude really can’t work out if she likes being eaten by inappropriately animated instruments or not.

So then when we are down to the last three, and Merodii’s severed fingers and still playing away at the piano long after she has been digested by the hammers and strings that make up this frenzied organ’s internal organs, we suddenly skip to the teacher guy who has been unsuccessfully making his way to the house for an age (obviously he is waaaay to late) and what the f*ck is with that bear???! Oh – ok - we’re back in the house again – nevermind.

Now it is all going proper Flash Gordon effects like you wouldn’t believe. Giant face in the fire place, a great f*ck-off floating mouth, all of a sudden we’re now some old kungfu film and then finally the so far only ray of hope kick ass girl Kunfu gets attacked by a phone cord then smothered and hung by a killer lampshade.

All of this, be aware, is set to funky 70’s jazz and then sudden cuts to bluegrass then other sudden cuts to what I can only describe as piano sonatas if they were played in a time warp by Alec Empire on DMT.  

Ok, now we’re outside in the dry ice fog again with the 70’s funk.  Kunfu has been well and truly Takeshi’s Castled by the lampshade and now everyone is full on tripping.

The house has acid flash backs to when it was part of Monty Python’s opening credits and now they are swimming in a sea of cat’s blood on a raft that is made out of a bit of what used to be the floor.

The teacher is still on his way – he has made it as far as the watermelon man but for some reason they start shouting about bananas and it doesn’t get him anywhere.

So Kari and Fanta are floating on their floor raft in the cat blood sea and I’m thinking no-one is getting out of this doped up nightmare because she is totally going to be in that water – I mean – cat’s blood, any second. Yup, in she goes, Kari – that is. Loses all her clothes and swims about all red lit ethereal nakedness for a bit so we get to see parts of her we really shouldn’t be seeing (aah the 70’s cinematic random unexplained nudity) and at this point poor old Fanta is the only one left…

Well suffice to say, it all ends with Oshare doing her best to audition for Timotei – but not before we get a long drawn out appearance from windy scarf woman, floating about the place like she is made of the smiles of angelic clouds.

I am used to Japanese weird, but I can never really get used to 70’s weird. It always really takes the cake. I’m glad it didn’t end Obayashi’s career but I can see how everyone thought it would curse anyone who touched it. Seriously though, what was with the f*cking bananas? Anyone?

Well done for putting these girls on the map (Ikegami has a fair old CV by now) and thanks to cracked.com for bringing this movie to our recent attention. What a weird ass f*cking film.

This sh*t really is bananas.

movie poster:

~